Something that I’ve noticed recently is the huge emotional swings I’ve been going through here. One day I’ll be really happy and loving life and loving Chinese people and the next day I’ll be moody and solemn and Chinese people just irk the hell out of me for some reason.

Christmas was not Christmas. The 24th Jill hosted a party for all of us and it was nice to just spend time with friends. It was very relaxed but it wasn’t a holiday feel. Christmas day I had cancelled classes so I took some time and went swimming which was good, but outside it just felt like any other day. I went over to Weige’s family’s house that evening to give them their gifts. I was expecting it to be awkward seeing as he and I are no longer dating (or whatever it was we were doing) but it turned out to be really fun. They were just so happy to see me and his mom told me straight out that she wants me to come over more often.

Part of the mood changes have to do with the job…since it’s nearing the end of the term, I’ve been wrapping up classes and having folks give final presentations, which means that I’ve not been having to teach too much. This makes me very happy. I’ve instead been using the time to work on job hunting and exercise and practice my Chinese.

This morning I had class again with my business students. It was their last class and I showed “It’s a Wonderful Life.” They couldn’t have cared less. Not only did less than a third of the class show up, not only did the first person not arrive until a good ten minutes after class was supposed to start, but they didn’t even watch the film. They straggled in one by one, saw that I was playing a movie, then proceeded to pull out their study materials and talk with each other about their upcoming exams. I was hurt and disappointed and wanted to say some very mean things but instead just stopped the movie and left when the class period was over. To hell with them.

I realized I really don’t have a passion for teaching. I don’t need to see that look of “a-ha” when a student finally gets it. I teach because my contract says I have to. I’m worried about the upcoming term.

My students sure like me though. On Tuesday night I attended the lit and culture graduate department’s Christmas party. It was actually kind of by accident. Some of my students were practicing a quartet after class and so I sat and listened. When they were done, I asked them where they would be performing and they told me at this event. Well I didn’t realize it was the dept party but they didn’t seem to mind having me there. In fact I got called up on stage a couple of times to sing karaoke and participate in a couple of games, I even won a raffle prize! It was really fun to get to hang out with the grad students outside of the classroom…a lot of them don’t have a lot of interest in speaking English and so this was a chance for me to interact with them as their friend and not so much their teacher.

On Thursday morning, I had my last class of the semester and then was whisked off to another grad dept party, this time, the Public Administration emphasis. Again, a great chance to practice my Chinese and hang out with some very interesting people. It’s a shame there are so many of them…I don’t have adequate time to hang out with all of them. That evening I was invited to play pool with a couple of them and then to dinner. Votes are in: grad students are by far my favorite. They just seem to get it. They’re a little more worldly and much more mature than the undergrad students which makes talking with them less banal.

I got a call earlier this week from Mr. Huang, the man I met with my Korean friends who’s in charge of promoting economic development in the Shenhe district. He gave me the number of a man who’s the local general manager for the USA International Business Association. Essentially it’s a small consulting agency with a branch office here in Shenyang for businesses trying to locate here. I met with Mr. Wang yesterday for lunch. Despite his working with a variety of international businesses, he can’t speak English so he’s very interested in having me as an assistant or translator of sorts. He assured me that there are lots of opportunities and that he would pass them along to me as sort of freelance work. Seems decent enough so we’ll see where this goes.

Lunch turned into a whole afternoon and evening event…me and my adventures…so after lunch he took me up to look at his office and then we met with two of his colleagues and went to a local sauna. Saunas are a favorite of Chinese businessmen, especially after a long night of drinking. They’re generally catered towards the male clientele but apparently women also go there. I’ve never been to one of these saunas here and I had absolutely no idea what to do. Essentially you take off all your clothes in this locker room and then proceed to the shower area. I didn’t actually made it into the sauna part but oh well. Thankfully the staff in the women’s section were helpful and eventually I was given spa clothes and led upstairs to a resting room which is a large dark room with lots of comfy lazy boy type chairs. No sooner had I sat down than a waiter came over and asked if I wanted a foot massage. I said ok, I mean, who doesn’t like getting foot massages? So a skinny 20-something guy came over and asked if instead of a foot massage I would like a full-body massage. It was as he put it, quite cheap. I said sure why not. So he led me to a different room with several massage tables.

I should have known that I missed something in the translation when I passed a group of scantily clad women sitting outside the massage rooms. The guy was very friendly and we chatted for awhile while he gave me a foot massage. The rest of the massage was not all that great…I felt more like I was meat being tenderized rather than being given a massage and frankly he wasn’t very thorough. Whatever, Chinese massage isn’t always that great, thought I. At one point, I wondered if perhaps instead of an innocent massage, I had unknowingly hired some sort of soft core whore with whom I was supposed to initiate some sort of illicit business. My suspicions were confirmed when as we walked out to where my business friends were waiting, we passed the scantily clad women who were all a titter, saying things like, “oh they’re finished,” and staring at us with curiosity until the guy turned to them and told them that nothing had happened. Wow. My first male prostitute and I didn’t even know it. Needless to say, I was feeling really self-conscious.

After the sauna, we went to a restaurant for dinner with some potential clients. It was pretty ok and I understood the important parts of the conversation so I didn’t look like a total fool. Unfortunately I’m competitive and macho so I drank to keep up. I haven’t yet built up a great tolerance for baijiu (Chinese vodka) so even though I was still with it and lucid, I was nevertheless feeling pretty uncomfortable soon into the dinner. I’m so tired of drinking. I’m going dry for at least a few days. At one point Mr. Wang leaned over and mentioned that this is the kind of business dinner one has to get used to. It’s how most things get done in China: cigarette smoke, baijiu and late dinners. It got me to thinking that perhaps this kind of business is not the kind I want to be doing. Tis food for thought and who knows how things will turn out with Mr. Wang.

After the dinner, Mr. Wang and his colleague were still wanting to have some fun and I was still up for it and feeling ok so we went over to Sunny Night Club. This is the club where Stephen (my godfather friend) is a manager. I called him when we got there and had him come say hi. I’m glad I did. He spotted Mr. Wang as either a gangster or a wanna-be gangster by the fake fur coat he was wearing. Stephen advised I keep him at arm’s length, particularly when he saw him talking to one of the club’s dirty prostitutes. He also mentioned that the guy was not interested in getting any “face”: he said he’d never seen a Chinese man have an empty table, usually they buy at least a bottle of something as a status symbol, particularly in the company of foreign women. Nothing to be worried about he said, he just advised that if I can use him, do it, if not, don’t keep him too close. Fascinating. At that point I was feeling ready to go so I feigned stomachache and caught a cab home.

Once I again, I marvel at the fact that I’m only 22 years old yet somehow so often find myself in such mixed company. My life is blowing my mind.

it's kind of a dreary day here and I'm in a bit of a mood. It's not depressed, more like anxious. Here's what's worth posting from my notes...

Second day of business school students' final presentations were quite a lot better. More effort, better acting and longer scripts. I even started toying with the idea of uncancelling their Christmas party for next week but it turns out they're swamped with exams any way so we're just going to watch It's a Wonderful Life on Wednesday. Am going to develop some sort of extra credit option for them because a lot of them realized on Monday that their efforts really sucked.

Hans and I went swimming--I joined a different gym that has a pool and rowing machines and nice treadmills with computers/tvs attached. Hot. And really not that much more expensive given the nice facilities and amenities. Hans really seemed to enjoy himself too so hopefully now I might have a gym buddy.

We were talking about the whole being a network fiend and having to know lots of people in order to get a job. He said something that made a lot of sense and really helped to put me at ease. It's not about knowing everybody: people will take advantage of you and use you if you let them but in order for it to be reciprocal, you have to establish some close friends. You then lean on the networks of others. Realistically, it's impossible to maintain tons and tons of close relationships. Thinking about it like that really helped put things in perspective. When I look at people like my lawyer friend or the godfather, I get really uneasy thinking that that's the kind of network I have to establish with people. It doesn't seem natural and I can't fake it that well.

I'm looking forward to the time off to be able to enjoy some of my friends. This will be a good vacation for me. I think I'm going to go back to Dalian and to Haerbin to see the ice festival. I'm also heading to Yunnan which should be fun. I think I'm not going to go to Korea at this point--it's just too expensive right now and there's already so much to do and see here in China. There will be other opportunities, I'm quite certain.

My date with Yu Jiang, the cab driver, was absolutely HORRIBLE! I have never felt so awkward in my life. So he has a girlfriend which I knew about before we met last night but I was totally getting a different kind of vibe on Saturday. We met last night and his first reaction is that I'm really tall. Height, I've found, is kind of an ugly stick here in China, especially for women as tall as me considering I'm taller than most men. Anyways, he then asked where my three friends were...apparently he thought it was going to be a repeat of Saturday night with Jill, Justine, Sara and me. When he realized it was just going to be me, he immediately called his friend to come join us. We went to eat at this restuarant nearby and things just kept getting worse and worse. We didn't have anything to talk about really and the language barrier made it quite a bit harder. I eventually called Hans and Justine to come. Hans didn't talk either which didn't help much. Justine finally came which made it a little better but it was just so embarrassing. I felt terrible afterwards, humiliated, foolish, a complete idiot. Justine and I had a laugh about it later and Jill and Hans and I had a powwow so I realize it's not the end of the world. Methinks dating like this is not really my style, though. I'm not a great conversationalist one on one when I first meet someone and I tend to get bored really easily. Sigh. Relationships are so complicated.

Last night's fiasco was almost enough to make my want to throw in the towel as far as dating Chinese men goes. Whatever, I need to get back to being me, doing my thing and staying busy. I've been spending some time looking into working for the state dept. I'm going to use the break to do some reading, informational interviews, that sort of thing. I need to find an international library or something but once I do, oh man, bring on the library loans. I'm aching to read. It feels a lot like just before I came to China where I was reading practically everything I could get my hands on regarding culture and just living here. I'm at a crossroads here of sorts...part of me wants to stay in China and work for awhile, but the other part of me is beginning to feel like this is still only temporary. (See my note above about getting bored easily.) I still don't know what I want to do with my life and my career but state dept is looking more and more desirable. I've been looking at job and career search sites but nothing really strikes me as being something that I want to do. Everything seems so dead end. Maybe my standards are too high but I'm just not feeling a pull to work in some company anymore. I want to settle, but I'm getting the feeling that no matter where I "settle" especially while I'm single, it's not going to be for long term.

Current mood: contemplative, serious, steely.

I need to smile more.

They even have runway models in Mongolia.



Strut that stuff. Winter coats=sexy...

A quick post while the thoughts are still fresh...

With the bum knee, I've really taken up swimming with a passion. It's a real bummer the pools all close by 9. I have no choice but to be an evening exerciser and on the nights when I meet with my tutor until 7, it makes it tough to get a sufficient workout in. Oh well. Such is life. My soccer team that I play with apparently has six members who are doctors. I had them take a look last night to see what they thought about my needing surgery or anything like that. They said there was nothing to worry about and that I just needed rest. They also prescribed some Chinese medicine to help the healing process. It's this Red Flower Oil that smells a lot like cinnamon, ginger and cloves and makes the skin mildly warm to the touch when you rub it on. No improvement just yet but the lingering smell is nice and so I will continue using it as many of my non-doctor Chinese friends have also attested to its potency.

Met a taxi driver on Saturday night who was young, super easy to talk to and pretty good looking besides. My friends were very approving and so we had him pick us up later that evening and I got his number. We're meeting on Wednesday for dinner or something. I'm quite excited. Everyday I meet someone new. Sunday, a woman on the bus turned around and started talking to me, gave me her card and now is planning on introducing me to some of her friends and is all ready to take me in as her new foreign friend. Sometimes, I think the Chinese view me as this big Barbie doll that they can play with and make friends with and show me off to their other friends and whatnot. Like I said, part of me is thinking, I ain't no one's play thing. The other part is thinking (and this is becoming more and more common these days) "wthticwthn?" (what the heck, this is china, why the hell not?)

One of my friends here (the lawyer with lots of connections) told me about a business idea that he and another couple of teachers had recently. They want to start this consulting business to encourage foreigners to invest in the NE part of China. The details sounded pretty promising and we'd definitely be the only folks in the market for it. It could mean a lot of good connections and it'd be good money once we got it going...I'm just not sure it's something that interests me. I like the idea of working in business but entrepreneurial ventures scare the living daylights out of me. I'm not a starter...I'm much more of a sustainer/improver or finisher. It's overwhelming sometimes. The possibilities here are both numerous, sometimes everywhere, but at the same time very limited. If you don't speak Chinese or have the proper network, it's kind of like looking at a candy shop through a glass window. Oh sure, teaching jobs are ubiquitous but getting out of that circle requires a bit more. I'm still slightly baffled as to how to get out of it. The problem with so many people is it's really hard to know who to make friends with. Obviously I don't want to burn any bridges but at the same time, I don't have time to really establish good bridges with everybody. Shoot, I'm 22 years old and living in China...it's not like I'm sitting around or anything. I'm likely just thinking too much about it but I worry about walking the fine line between missing good opportunities and being a networking whore. Any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated in this regard.

My classes started presenting their final presentations today. I had them do skits/plays based on a story of their choosing. My English majors seriously went all out with costumes and soundtracks, just totally hammed it up. It was the most entertaining 4 hours of classes I've had in quite a long time. After such a fantastic morning, my business students were really disappointing and it continues to baffle me as to how the same lesson can go so many different ways depending on the class. I got some video of the English majors, I'll have to see about posting those somewhere.

One of my students needed to redo a speech so I let her do it at the end of class. She spoke on the bible and the love of Jesus Christ. Her speech was essentially 5-6 minutes of proselytizing to her classmates. I was shocked by her bravery and several times throughout the speech I caught myself thinking, "I can't believe I'm hearing this. Here, in a university classroom in the middle of China." It's an extremely difficult thing to get up there and speak about your faith, let alone in a foreign language. Moreso here in China where so few people know anything about the bible and the word of God and where dissemination of religious material was up until recently (and perhaps still currently, I'm not certain) closely monitored and regulated. Hans mentioned that it could have been bad for me to allow someone to use class time to evangelize. I felt I was in the clear since I had been pretty open with allowing students to choose their own topics and I guess it's an indication that she felt safe enough in my class to be able to present. Her message was honest and inspiring and I give her a lot of respect for speaking as she did. Unfortunately her organization and delivery as far as a speech goes was pretty terrible and I'm having a bit of a time figuring out how to distill and grade the speech itself as opposed to the content. I thought it was interesting that after her speech, it was almost as if things were too normal. People went about their business like usual and no one seemed to care or notice that she had just spoken about Jesus. I didn't say anything mainly because I didn't know what the repercussions might be to support her publicly. I gather that it wouldn't have caused me or her any trouble; despite not being very popular or widespread, organized religion for the most part seems to be a neutral point for most people. I just thought the situation warranted a share since I'm sure many of my readers will find this interesting.

So my "quick post" that I started around 9 has turned into an all evening post interspersed with many many distractions and interruptions. I am so unfocused right now it's not even funny. I need an assistant or another set of eyes and hands or something. It's quarter to 12, so much for getting 8 hours tonight. Sigh. Off to bed.

I love this country.

Apologies for the lack of meaningful update recently. My brain has primarily been working in Chinese these days and so it takes a lot of effort to craft interesting English prose for you. The Chinese however is coming along nicely. I'm having less and less trouble expressing myself and I am quite confident talking to strangers now. I still make lots of mistakes but I don't worry about it as much as when I first got here. My pronunciation has gotten better and my Chinese friends have less trouble understanding me. My speed has picked up too and it sounds a lot more natural.

I've also been working on getting my Japanese back in shape. I realized that my speaking has basically died--the similarity between Chinese and Japanese sounds and the completely opposite grammar structure leaves me hopelessly mixing the two, rendering me pretty much unintelligible to Japanese people who don't speak Chinese. I met one of the Japanese teachers on the bus a couple of days ago and he invited me to come sit in on his classes to get my speaking and listening back. It's great! I sat in on his advanced lit class on Wednesday and was surprised at how much I could still understand. I love this immersion business. I was hanging out with some Korean friends recently and when they spoke in Korean, it was obviously unintelligible, but when they spoke in Chinese, it was as if they were speaking English. It's amusing to me that before with Japanese and now with Chinese, these once very foreign languages now sound so familiar and comfortable.

Life continues to be busy socially. My grad students have taken to inviting me over for food and fun. Now they come in fours...four roommates, invite me over for English conversation and food. Unfortunately, their English is pretty limited so it ends up being really good practice for my Chinese. Do I feel bad about this? A little, but hey, we're communicating right?

Today I went to one student's apartment where she and her friends and I made dumplings (jiaozi), pigs feet, several salads and soup. It was quite the feast. Oh yeah, did I mention pig's feet? I did, that's right, not a misprint. Yeah so evidently there's skin and a little bit of meat on the feet of pigs. I'm not sure what they do to prepare them before you buy them in the store, some kind of cooking or marinating process I guess, but then you bring them home and steam them and eat them. They look absolutely horrific but not all that bad. Apparently the oils are good for your skin. Wanna know something else I ate today? Chicken head. Yes. A roasted head of chicken. Beak, brain, eyes. It was all there. You suck out the brain and eat around the jaw and beak. I'll try anything once but I think I'll stick to my standby of roasted chicken hearts in the future. The Chinese cook/use/eat all parts of the animal. In addition to today's selections, I've had goat stomach lining soup, cow tongue, fish head, cow tendons, chicken elbows, blackened marinated stewed "100 year old" egg and of course, dog. Next up, I think I want to try cow heart and chicken feet. Oh such a silly waiguoren. While downing a plate of "chicken elbows" (I think it's the cartilage between the bones, I'm not exactly certain, the waitress just pointed to her elbow and assured me that they were quite tasty) Hans asked me if I don't eat normally, being that I'm so willing to eat ANYTHING. I don't explain it, I'm just easy to please I guess.

Enough about food. So Dabo rhymes with Cabo and I went out tonight. We walked around town for a good 2 hours just talking and then had dinner at a local shishkabob place. He's studying to be a trainer but is concerned about his prospects for the future. He really wants to learn English so that he can market himself to the ever increasing foreign population. I've agreed to take him on as a pupil. He, like every other Chinese born in the last two decades, has studied English for a number of years but has never had the opportunity to learn to speak. So we're starting from the beginning. I'm determined to get him to speak like a Westerner. Tonight we learned basic greetings. What's up, How's it going, Would you like some..., What do you think of... He's really serious about this and it's fun because he's basically this blank slate that I kind of get to shape. Not to mention the fact that he's pretty cute, he makes me laugh and it's great practice for my Chinese. We've got time, there's no rush and if nothing else, we'll end up as good friends. Apparently I'm the first foreigner he's had a chance to talk to but unlike some Chinese who want to learn English, he's laidback and really easy to talk to so I'm excited about the prospects of our friendship.

Oh, some of you will like this: the Chinese word for shishkabob is chuan (串）which, if you look closely, kind of resembles a shishkabob, no? Want another couple? ok, convex (tu 凸) and concave (ao 凹). This is such a fun language.

I really miss having a pet to cuddle. Seeing as I'm rarely home and I'm technically not allowed to keep pets in my apt, I'm having to get a little creative. I'd love a cat, but I don't want the mess. So Stephen took me to a pet market this morning where I planned to buy a chinchilla. Think about it, they don't smell, they're cute and cuddly, their fur is super soft, easy to maintain and they're very entertaining to watch. Unfortunately they were all out. :-( Next time...I'm determined. I almost bought a chameleon, but decided you can't cuddle with those. Iguanas, turtles and snakes were eliminated from contention for similar reasons, however I did see a very large spikey shelled turtle (that actually looked a lot like Bowser from super mario, minus of course the whole breathing fire and wrangling a flimsy princess shtick). The floppy eared bunny is on the short list, particularly after meeting a former professor's rabbit who had been trained to use a litter box and behave much like a floppy eared cat, sitting at the feet of its owners and being quite shy and indignant to strangers. Will keep you posted on any new developments.

I'm very lucky to be an American. No. I am EXTREMELY blessed and fortunate to be an American. To have been given the opportunity to adopt such a broad perspective on life and the world and an ability to think about such a wide variety of topics and ideas, to have been given the chance to develop my sense of creativity and establish my independence as an individual...I am a multi-faceted person and a large part of that is due to the country in which I grew up and the rights and opportunities I was afforded as a citizen of that country. There are so many people in China and with so many people, it's not uncommon for folks to get lost in the shuffle. I sometimes argue that the education system here sells its people short by not forcing them to develop their creativity--it's expected that students memorize and recite established ideas, rather than compile and create new ideas. Knowledge is measured by one's test scores, by how much one knows, as opposed to how well one can think. You'd think that the most interesting people to talk to would be the students who attend the best schools. Unfortunately, it's these people who I have the hardest time getting to see or think past their textbooks. In fact, I sometimes find some students here to be kind of boring, very one-dimensional, mainly because they've never really had to think about their own ideas for themselves. Every once and awhile I'll come across a dreamer who will just blow me away, but more often, students tend to be pretty simple.

I went to lunch with one of my freshmen students recently who told me she and her classmates are in awe of me. Apparently to a lot of Chinese, a beautiful 22 year old woman who can speak two foreign languages who's just graduated from college and is working as a university professor in a foreign country is something pretty rare and a lot of people are impressed, even a little envious of the fact that I'm so young, yet have comparatively more life experience. For most Chinese, it is prohibitively expensive and complicated to leave the country and although many dream of traveling and living and working abroad, unfortunately for the vast majority it can never be anything more than a dream. At times when I hear some of my Chinese friends talk about their situations and their futures in this overpopulated country, I feel a little shameful or guilty about my good fortune and blessings. At the same time though, I am proud of who I am and what I represent and I am thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to exchange ideas with some of these people, to be an "unofficial" ambassador for my country. I guess it's similar to my experience with Rotary a few years back, but my guise as a teacher makes it far less assuming, maybe even more real/pure.

In spending time watching how Stephen interacts with Chinese people, I noticed my style of talking and relating to people is very different. Stephen commands attention and respect. His whole character, his demeanor basically just draws people to look to him as the boss. When I hang out with him, it's kind of like being around the Godfather. He's been in this city for a long time, he speaks like a Chinese person, he was one of the first foreigners in Shenyang. He's earned his position as a godfather of sorts. He's confident and he recognizes his power. He kind of bowls through situations, tells people what to do and gets what he wants. It's fascinating to watch him interact with people. No one dares talk down or ignore him. They all kind of have the same awed impression. I even find myself this way sometimes when I'm around him.

What I'm discovering though, is that my style is very different. Whereas Stephen comes off as a well paid mob boss, I come off as being infinitely kind and patient. People sense my independence, honesty and strong personality/sense of self-respect as well as my good nature and humor. I have a disarming demeanor and I find that people, especially other women, are drawn to me. When I'm with Stephen's crowd, it's a little uncomfortable--like I said I tend to be the only woman and just the atmosphere is more charged, tense, with most everyone deferring to "the don". When Stephen's in my corner, where his rough personality isn't as welcome, I sense he is a little uncomfortable. I'm still working on trying to find my style and my place and how to get along here and today especially was a growing day for me in understanding that even though I may not command the same type of personality/deference that Stephen does, I can still get by and do just fine using my own style. Again, it's one of sticking to my guns and being confident. There are 1.3 billion people here and despite sometimes feeling a little lost or overwhelmed, there is no shortage of people who have faith or trust in who I am and how I come across and it's that trust that I'm starting to latch onto.

A story today that made me recoil: Stephen was telling me that one of Weige's "boys" recently got out of jail. Apparently, this friend had been driving drunk and hit and killed someone with his car. China has been cracking down on drunk driving and such an incident would normally land the driver at least several years in prison, hefty fines and a loss of license, if not, something even more severe. This friend, however, was made to spend only 19 days in jail. 19 DAYS! I asked Stephen how this could possibly be and he said the evidence got stolen. Yep. That's China, you kill a guy with your car, you know people, you make some calls, your buddies help you out and you walk after spending less than three weeks in jail. Sick.

I told Stephen that sometimes I think I'm far too honest for this country. For some parts, yes, I know I am. There are some really dirty and abyssmal things that go on here. I'm still working on understanding how much one needs to be involved in these dirty dealings in order to still be successful, to have an adequate relationship network. As I'm getting more comfortable with my own style, I'm thinking it's less and less necessary to be so involved with "the dark side". Needless to say though, everyday is an adventure. (I just looked at the beginning of this post; the fact that I'm ending on this note is quite interesting to me, and goes to further my implicit point that this country is full of paradoxes and contrasts.)

As I told a friend recently, 每天冒险开始 （meitian maoxian kaishi: everyday adventure begins)

I'd like to name this post "The little old lady selling porn..."

...and other random quotes, thoughts, situations and ramblings. (Emphasis on random)

I was walking by the tennis courts the other day and noticed two people playing tennis. If you haven't gathered already, it's really cold here and there's still a little residual snow on the ground from a couple weeks ago (it's been dry ever since). As a result, I've taken up the habit of wearing 5-6 layers whenever I leave my apartment. Nevertheless, these tennis players were in short sleeves. I was walking past at some distance so I could hear them hitting the ball, but couldn't actually see the ball. The scene was surreal--gray sky, snow on the ground, short sleeves and only the sound of the ball. Kind of like a Renee Magrite painting. At that moment it struck a chord as I was contemplating the whole situation of me not knowing and worrying about what other people are really thinking...it's silly, kind of like hitting an imaginary tennis ball back and forth. The ball, what people say...It seems like it's there, you can hear it. But you're not really certain if it actually is or not. ooo, existentialism...hooray for liberal arts degrees!

Relationship update: Boy in Guangzhou has since put the relationship on ice, stating via text that he realizes the whole distance situation isn't fair to me and if I were to find someone else in Shenyang, he wouldn't be mad but that he at least will always consider me his best friend. I know I know, I got dumped by a guy I've met twice. Meh good riddens, I was tired of pretending. I was concerned that our "split" would affect my relationship with his family (as I've really come to appreciate and enjoy their support and love) and he assured me that not only does his mother still love me, but that I can call on her if ever I need anything. He also reiterated that he was serious about wanting to forever be my friend. We'll see how well that holds up here in the future. Oh silly Chinese men.

Speaking of silly Chinese men, my trainer friend (henceforth known as Dabo rhymes with Cabo) at the gym and I have hit it off. The only bad thing is he sometimes won't leave me alone long enough to get a good workout in. Whatever the case, it's good practice for my Chinese and it's exceptional motivation to get my big butt to the gym during the week. I'm one of the only women usually and naturally, I'm a bit of a showoff so the extra attention is making me push myself a little harder than what I would normally do on my own. Don't worry, I'm being good--good technique, not TOO hard--it's just extra gumption to go the extra set on the abs or few minutes more on the treadmill. I was doing some back extension exercises on the ball and Dabo and another patron were skeptical that the particular exercise I was doing actually had any effect. I had them try and was glad I did because it was highly entertaining watching them (and their egos) roll right off.

I've decided I love playing soccer. It is truly the best part of my week. I talked to Leng, the guy in charge, and he said he'd call me when they play at other times during the week. So now, my week can have multiple highlights!

Chinese names fascinate me. Much more than just naming someone by the sound of the name, like Jessica or Ashley or Michael, Chinese names take on meaning through the characters. Parents often choose names that both sound pleasing and have auspicious or powerful meanings. Like my name, Jiexi 杰茜 means marvelous and pure. The first chracter is made up of the characters for tree and fire and the bottom half of the second character is the character for West. You start reading into these characters and you come up with all sorts of hidden meanings and coincidences. Other cool names: 海洋Haiyang, he goes by Ocean, a direct translation. Another friend: 含笑Hanxiao, means always smiling. She literally is always smiling too. My friend Weige, his full name is 王威Wang Wei, which means mighty and impressive king. Check this out, great name: 冷红杉Leng Hongshan, means Cold Red Sequoia. Very befitting of his personality. I love it when the names here work out like that.

A couple of my grad students taught me how to properly eat sunflower seeds and I am as a result thoroughly addicted.

I twisted my knee again playing soccer last night. It's pretty sore and I'm a little worried that I might have torn something. yikes! Please keep your fingers crossed that I don't need surgery or anything like that. It hurts to bend it and it really hurts to squat which needless to say makes using "squat toilets" (which, outside of my apartment are pretty much standard)a bit of a challenge.

I opened one of my Christmas presents early...a box of Harry and David truffles from my mom! I'm limited to one a day, which is fine, they're super sweet and it means they'll last longer. Many of you will remember (some may still use these) the chocolate advent calendars? Well this is my advent calendar of sorts.

I'm kind of in autopilot mode at the moment. Classes are coming to an end and final presentations start soon. Thank heavens! When I think of more profound things to say, I'll update you again but for now, that's about all that's going on.

**This is an update which I started before bed, continued in the morning, wrote some really great stuff (i mean, they should have handed me the pulitzer write then and there, i swear) got inadvertantly deleted and then partially recovered, then forgotten in my drafts folder. For those that were interested in the status of my psyche about a week ago...**

The curious fact that I'm a female athlete continues to open doors to meet new people. Joined a gym recently which is good as it gives me option and motivation to get exercise more regularly. The first time I worked out there, it was the typical "stare at the white girl" routine. Meh, I'm essentially used to it now and I was more interested in focusing on my abs as opposed to paying the handful of stares any mind. One of the trainers in particular was quite interested in my routine and was eager to help with equipment and suggestions. At first I was a little frustrated--i'm one of those who likes to be left alone to do my thing at the gym but he was persistent and nice and was patient enough to listen to my funny Chinese so we got to talking. Apparently he's a student at the local physical education college. I mentioned that my local basketball haunt had been commandeered by the soccer gangs and he invited me to come play at his school. Sign me up! So on Saturday I made my way over and made some basketball friends. Hopefully we'll make it a regular activity as they guys were good, but super laidback which made it really fun.

I continue to play soccer on Sunday evenings. I remain a mystery to these men...when I'm tired and out of breath, it's hard to get the Chinese to sound right so my communication with them has been somewhat limited. That and they're awfully shy around me. They're curious though so despite the interaction being slow, there nonetheless remains the strong potential for friendship. In the meantime, the Sunday soccer dates have become one of the highlights of my week.

Sports have been keeping me sane and have been a stabilizing constant as I continue to navigate the tumultuous Chinese social customs. Live in a country like China that puts so much value on relationships and one quickly becomes aware and sensitive of all interactions with others. I've decided I've become too busy and I'm stretching myself thin so I need to start prioritizing my friendships. If I were any more cynical, I think I might go postal trying to shake out the true friends from those just being nice. The Chinese have this habit of always telling people what they want to hear. It's not so much a bad thing, I mean they're not intentionally or maliciously trying to be dishonest. It's actually a means of allowing people to save face and not shame one another, to keep the peace. It is tricky however, for someone who values and counts on honesty above all else. It's something I'm having to get used to and at times it's a little draining trying to figure out people's true meanings. I hate the idea of looking like a fool because I didn't read people correctly. In America, I'm a pretty good judge of character. Here, all the rules have been changed. Throw in the occsasional language gap and I feel a little like I'm flying in a really thick fog. Frustrating, challenging and at times unnerving, i've had a few dings to my self-confidence. Nothing serious, just a little unsettled is all. One of my closer friends here suggested that I can't possibly know what other people are thinking and that I just gotta do the best I can. She's right, if you think too much and question everything, you just become miserable. Simple advice, but I'm sticking to that as much as I can.

I'm thinking about how I used to treat relationships with people before I came here and something has changed. I'm not really certain how to describe it other than that I've become more conscientious. China has this funny way of changing people, whether they like it or not. The degree of change is of course up to the individual, but it's a place that will grow you up, whoever you might be. It's also pretty easy to lose yourself, especially if you didn't have a good grasp on who you were to begin with. I'm thankful that my parents helped instill me with strong character and personal dignity. I can go chameleon and adopt a chinese style of living, but it doesn't mean i have to compromise what i believe in. At times it feels a little like I'm leading a double life what with all the very different people I'm associating with. The beauty of a country of 1.3 million people however is that chances are, you can find at least one person with whom you can at least partially relate and thus, you're never truly alone.

**Really, the rest of that post was fantastic. Oh well, i'll try and make up for it on the next one.**