it's kind of a dreary day here and I'm in a bit of a mood. It's not depressed, more like anxious. Here's what's worth posting from my notes...

Second day of business school students' final presentations were quite a lot better. More effort, better acting and longer scripts. I even started toying with the idea of uncancelling their Christmas party for next week but it turns out they're swamped with exams any way so we're just going to watch It's a Wonderful Life on Wednesday. Am going to develop some sort of extra credit option for them because a lot of them realized on Monday that their efforts really sucked.

Hans and I went swimming--I joined a different gym that has a pool and rowing machines and nice treadmills with computers/tvs attached. Hot. And really not that much more expensive given the nice facilities and amenities. Hans really seemed to enjoy himself too so hopefully now I might have a gym buddy.

We were talking about the whole being a network fiend and having to know lots of people in order to get a job. He said something that made a lot of sense and really helped to put me at ease. It's not about knowing everybody: people will take advantage of you and use you if you let them but in order for it to be reciprocal, you have to establish some close friends. You then lean on the networks of others. Realistically, it's impossible to maintain tons and tons of close relationships. Thinking about it like that really helped put things in perspective. When I look at people like my lawyer friend or the godfather, I get really uneasy thinking that that's the kind of network I have to establish with people. It doesn't seem natural and I can't fake it that well.

I'm looking forward to the time off to be able to enjoy some of my friends. This will be a good vacation for me. I think I'm going to go back to Dalian and to Haerbin to see the ice festival. I'm also heading to Yunnan which should be fun. I think I'm not going to go to Korea at this point--it's just too expensive right now and there's already so much to do and see here in China. There will be other opportunities, I'm quite certain.

My date with Yu Jiang, the cab driver, was absolutely HORRIBLE! I have never felt so awkward in my life. So he has a girlfriend which I knew about before we met last night but I was totally getting a different kind of vibe on Saturday. We met last night and his first reaction is that I'm really tall. Height, I've found, is kind of an ugly stick here in China, especially for women as tall as me considering I'm taller than most men. Anyways, he then asked where my three friends were...apparently he thought it was going to be a repeat of Saturday night with Jill, Justine, Sara and me. When he realized it was just going to be me, he immediately called his friend to come join us. We went to eat at this restuarant nearby and things just kept getting worse and worse. We didn't have anything to talk about really and the language barrier made it quite a bit harder. I eventually called Hans and Justine to come. Hans didn't talk either which didn't help much. Justine finally came which made it a little better but it was just so embarrassing. I felt terrible afterwards, humiliated, foolish, a complete idiot. Justine and I had a laugh about it later and Jill and Hans and I had a powwow so I realize it's not the end of the world. Methinks dating like this is not really my style, though. I'm not a great conversationalist one on one when I first meet someone and I tend to get bored really easily. Sigh. Relationships are so complicated.

Last night's fiasco was almost enough to make my want to throw in the towel as far as dating Chinese men goes. Whatever, I need to get back to being me, doing my thing and staying busy. I've been spending some time looking into working for the state dept. I'm going to use the break to do some reading, informational interviews, that sort of thing. I need to find an international library or something but once I do, oh man, bring on the library loans. I'm aching to read. It feels a lot like just before I came to China where I was reading practically everything I could get my hands on regarding culture and just living here. I'm at a crossroads here of sorts...part of me wants to stay in China and work for awhile, but the other part of me is beginning to feel like this is still only temporary. (See my note above about getting bored easily.) I still don't know what I want to do with my life and my career but state dept is looking more and more desirable. I've been looking at job and career search sites but nothing really strikes me as being something that I want to do. Everything seems so dead end. Maybe my standards are too high but I'm just not feeling a pull to work in some company anymore. I want to settle, but I'm getting the feeling that no matter where I "settle" especially while I'm single, it's not going to be for long term.

Current mood: contemplative, serious, steely.

I need to smile more.